I Can't Afford Mayonnaise

Drink (or: omgstfuffs)

I drink too much.
I realise this, but also, fuck it.

I'm an awful fecker for the stuff, living up terribly well to my stereotype.
I do love an ould drink so I do.

And yep, I get carried away and if you've ever been on the end of my alcoholic escapades, or will be (for future reference), know that I turn into a child when I drink. Any 'inappropriate' talk or questions should be treated as though I were six. Things like 'why do you talk funny?' or 'your skin is SO dark!' should be expected and not dealt with as though it comes from a sober man in his mid-thirties.
Alternatively I might turn 86 and get heavy on your ass.

I won't cause any major trouble or harm, don't worry, but do please forgive me for being out of line. k?

Dreams (or: stfudjvm)

As was inevitable, I grew tired yesterday afternoon.
In the past I've been very fond of the habit of having an afternoon nap.
I tend to dream more lucidly during the day. In fact (without deciding to), though it's rare, I can dream with my eyes open, particularly at such times.
I was skyping with 'candi' as the tiredness announced itself and I began to doze but sounds from her end would jar me.

I'm not sure if it's just me or the exact physiological reasons or what, but I find that as I'm exactly at the point of falling asleep either I am extra sensitive or it's some cosmological thing, whereby a seemingly abrupt sound will jar me awake.

Eventually, I crept off to bed and dreamed of a hundred wonderful things - none of which I remember.
This is slightly unusual for me. I have very good dream recall.

I felt 'iffy' tired then again, last night, approaching midnight and decided to try for sleep.
I must have been 'asleep' when the phone went because it was at five to one and I don't believe I lay there conscious for a full hour.
And, yet, I was in some kind of deep semi-conscious not-quite dream-state (if you get me).
I wasn't 'dreaming', I was playing minecraft while one of my own youtube cover versions played (heh) - it was just a moment; one or two lines of the song, in which I was suspended or was repeating over and over.

It felt similar to being jarred awake at that point of falling asleep fully, but possibly because of the realm of semi-consciousness, I was more roused than abruptly woken by the beep of the text message. I thought it was candi, but it was my mother saying she'd call next day.
As I lay there, people were coming home and making noise and I took it as a sign I should get up.

I played minecraft for a few hours (heh).

I had a few more dreams before getting up just before noon.
One was that the girl I was in love with (not candi, as my 'dream self' had little recollection of my actual life - it was 'me', but none of my 'RL' circumstances) was claiming to renounce her love for me. I knew she was lying for some reason - shame perhaps, although I also doubted myself a little on this point. It was very disconcerting and I awoke feeling a little upset by it.

After I left ('high')school I studied psychoanalysis. Part of the Freudian (and Lacanian) theory was dream interpretation. It's a fascinating subject, and yet, hearing peoples' dreams can be a most boring thing to listen to - I'd rather hear about someone's highly methodical tea-making steps than their dreams. At least that has a practical application to me.

I told candi about the dream and mentioned how it better not be premonitory.
She rightly pointed out that, just as the girl in the dream was not her, the perspective (even if first person) may not have been me.

Indeed, I am inclined to agree - especially since it was clearly not me... I shared only the eyes and ears of this character in the dream, specifically no other particulars (for all I know the character was nothing physically like me. It felt as though 'I' was a male, but even this could be debatable).

Freud could have listened to all of this, puffed on a cigar and scratched his beard, hummed gently and thought to himself "ven iz dis dam session over? I am looking forvard to my cocaine pick-up", but say instead "Zis lady is your mozzer. She left you as a child, ja? You vont her back and ze vay to do zis is to kill ze fozzer. You see ze character you play is ecktually your fozzer and you vish to erase him just as you vish to erase yourself from association of ze dream by your disassociation vis it. Ze session is over, zat vill be forty crowns djvm".

Love (or: ilubtwstfu)

Every day feels like Christmas lately.
Especially today. I woke up at 5 am, to 'think' of 'her'. It's almost 8 am, I've had breakfast, a little chocolate and have that exact feeling I recall from being a kid - awake for three hours before anyone else, a little groggy now that the excitement has worn off somewhat, but pretty sure I can keep my energy up for 'visiting' and more 'gifts' later today.

I know it's rather sad, sappy and pathetic and it's even uncomfortable for both of us. We know it and we were even discussing it last night. How it's a phase - the 'actual Honeymoon Phase'. We'll grow out of it, but until then, we will take this massive dump.

I say this because I compare it to taking a shit. It's natural and necessary, even if it stinks quite a bit at times. It does indeed feel good at times too, but the type of people we are, we aren't particularly proud of it... in spite of the fact that I am now metaphorically pointing in my toilet bowl and telling you "Look at my awesome turd!"

Thing is, it's been a number of years since I've felt this inspired, and being in love will do that. My creative output has rocketed to absurd levels since finally finding this 'mews' [another rather icky term] I've been seeking for so long.

I have no interest in shouting anything from rooftops or mountains (although I have indirectly done just that through my creative work lately) nor do I wish to rub anyone's face in it.

It's as gay as Christmas alright, and just as lovely. *bleuch*


Here, this 'log' (lol) is on the 'web', so I can do things like embed sickly sweet but incredibly wonderful music...

Or not apparently EMI? Really? Fucking dicks.

School (or: 'ty ty')

Our News,
Today is Wednesday, it has been a mostly sunny day outside. We had playtime all afternoon.
It was great fun and we were all happy in the end.
Tomorrow we should probably be responsible and do proper work, but for now we can smile back on a fun day!

Job (or: 'gl gl')

Well, so much for that nine-to-five mentality.
It's noon and I'm only out the bed.
I was up late, pretty much just 'being there' for a friend.
She's been through some really heavy shit lately and I know I'm 'important' to her, and she to me, so obviously it's indeed important to show support - even if it's just to sit in the semi-dark obeying the request to 'ramble on'.

She's feeling quite good about having to be forced into work by the government. And now that I think of it, it could be just the thing she needs - some 'Real Life' interaction, out and about on the streets.

I spoke quite a bit (as I can tend to on most subjects) about my feelings on working 'for the man'.
Time is precious, and my time is priceless.
I resent having to be at a certain place at a certain hour to spend a certain few more hours for a price.
I don't care what the reason is - it could be the most ideal, fulfilling and most well paid job in the world, I will absolutely resent giving up my time (whether or not I would use it productively myself) for cash - especially within a hard-set time frame.
If I need to spend my time staying up late for a friend, I know that that time spent is indeed well spent, even if it means I wake as afternoon hits, groggy and less motivated about tasks I need to do for myself the next day.
If I had to cut our interaction short so I could be begrudgingly awake early to grudgingly drudge into the daily fudge [it rhymes and you know it does] of some bullshit job, I would be far less of a decent person than I feel I might be because I did the opposite and kept my tired ass awake to 'work' at a reciprocal relationship.
Time spent which is indeed priceless to me.

On the other hand, I do acknowledge that 'working from home' can promote a solitary and hermetic existence and this is ideal for only a handful of people.
Being forced into a social environment on a daily basis is a very healthy thing. That's not to suppose that the people you'll engage with will become anything approaching 'friends', but the influence of having to work together with people is certainly to be promoted [pun!].

Maybe I too should get a 'job thing'.

Work (or: 'gj gj')

So after a proper rollercoaster of a weekend (and every 'proper' weekend is a proper rollercoaster don't you think?) it's time to get to work.
That's what usually happens after the weekend anyway.

I woke sporadically during the night, sweating out the excesses of previous nights. It wasn't a terrible sleep by any means, although as morning approached I did have a bit of a 'detox' dream. I was trying to close the door by the bed (which I had previously opened to allow air movement and had actually closed since) because of 'bad spirits' in the hallway. I managed it with great effort in the dream and then woke with a shock. It was about 5.30am, and dawn was creeping upon the world, so I opened the curtains a little to banish the darkness (I used to be terrified of the dark as a kid).

I woke again at about 8.00, kind of excited about going to work for once.
Breakfast was oj, 'shreddies' cereal (with brown sugar and cinnamon) and coffee.
Not at all bad.

I got in early even, at ten to nine and did a little browsing about before the day started proper.

Lately I've been thinking about 'rules' and 'guidelines' - really examining life and how it's structured. There are hard set rules to avoid being locked away for instance. Don't cause damage to yourself or others or to property which does not belong to you etc.
There are other 'soft' rules depending on situation or context. It might be frowned upon to take a shower during work hours (assuming the facility is available where you work). But! If you arrived unshowered, yet early and, say, had a meeting at 11.30, surely it's acceptable enough you could take a quick shower to be presentable for the meeting?

I contemplated this as I undertook the first task of the day, not yet showered. Ew.

Creating a business card for myself was an absurd idea. I've never been in the position of requiring one, nor would I probably any time soon. Besides I have a low estimation of them and the types that do value them to be frank. (My father's name is 'Frank', and that phrase always irks me to use - had a weird dream about him too last night, but I'll leave that for Freud to analyse later).
So my task took a slight sideways route. The information I would put on the card (my name, title ("Multi-media Instrumentalist"), email and the website address) can be represented in one of those 'QR' codes that are so fashionable in advertising these days.
I could have stickers printed and do with them what I will - anything from giving one to someone to stick in their diary and contact me later, to sticking them in a hidden corner of a public toilet for the heck of it.
I designed the code and requested information via a webform from a local printer.

Job done.

Next job was to finally sort out my workspace. No cleaner(s) here unfortunately, so dust and other undesirable shtuff had collected in behind everything, and on top of this, I needed to rig a camera up to the computer for my current project.
So I shut down the machine, pulled all the cables and placed the bits and bobs aside.
Cleaned up everything (including using a tweezers to remove dust from the pc tower), postponed the meeting for 20 minutes... hooked it all back up and had a very quick shower before getting prepped (coffee and pastries are ideal for meetings, but this time biscuits would have to do).

I booted up the computer and opened the conference calling software. Typically the other party wasn't even looking to use camera or even voice for the meeting, but at least I was fresh for it, and 'on time' in the end.
As is usual in such business meetings, we filled each other in on progress and intended work. I ran the 'QR' idea, and it was received in a rather luke-warm way (I felt) and with no 'green light' as such. Perhaps a follow-up email will confirm either way.

With the meeting and technical stuff out of the way it was time to get to the part of my 'job' which is the reason why I work at all... the creative stuff!

Project title is something along the lines of:
'Multi-media Presentation of a variety of recorded music'

I aligned the camera correctly over the mixer and record players.
I then began testing the audio connection. I played a record and it seemed to be connected fine. I began recording. The 'multi-media' presentation had begun before I even realised.
I had to keep playing records, as one does indeed, while 'dj-ing', which I guess is the focus of the presentation in the first place.
Hardly part of the project 'specs', but something I felt would add to it, creatively speaking, I had quite the trouble hooking up a microphone to record the room and me in it as part of the 'set', but eventually simply plugged it directly into the mixer with the record 'decks' which the computer was recording.
Finally, I initiated the video capture and got in to the thick of 'dj-ing'.

The set progressed towards 1980's dance tracks (but not very stereotypically cheesy ones) and I allowed the songs to flightily express my current feelings towards a certain person, eventually deciding to title it 'candi land', in reference to her name.
In the meantime I used the visual aspect to show the records/sleeves as information about the tracks I was playing and sang along or played rhythms when and where I felt like it.
At one point a song hit a certain frequency at a certain volume so that the mic began to feedback, quite harshly. I dealt with that, but then began to try and incorporate the effect into what I was playing. (I wonder would such action be considered 'creative liberties'?)

I finished with some more modern (still dancefloor-worthy) tracks.
It had followed that the final song was playing out on the less desirable turntable, so I took an appropriate moment to fade it and move it over to the other side before finally showing most of the record sleeves again and 'dancing' my flip-flops in the frame, over the equipment. I thanked 'the audience' for listening and set about editing.

Editing required some explanatory text and pictures of record sleeves to replace the lack of visual until almost 20 minutes in. I also had to find a 'synch' point so that the music and visual was matched as best as could be.

I'd already decided on a late lunch (the afternoon goes far quicker doing that) but I was even later than my scheduled 2 o'clock. I decided I could still take the full hour lunch-break - there's no set rule that I know of which states "latest return from lunch must be 3 pm" or whatever.

For lunch, I strolled through the sunshine to the local deli and got myself a few sausage rolls and a can of cola.
I had them outside, reading my book. The book had excerpts of the author's diary. I wondered to myself why I haven't had a 'diary' in well over two years and realised it's because I don't particularly like them.
I've used the 'blog' medium for various things, but never an actual weblog (because I despised that idea even more so than a diary to be honest, but also though, "eh... why not?")... so here we are... why not?

Now it could be debated that writing in a 'weblog' is more personal than professional and you may well be disapproving of me, supposing I'm 'wasting company time' at this very moment, but!
Am I not a "Multi-media Instrumentalist"?
Is this not a 'form' of media?
Is this very typewriting keyboard not an instrument?!

Indeed. Besides, I'm about to justify making my own dinner in my own kitchen, two feet away from me, to my right, under the very same definitions and rule-base!
In fact - it's almost 5 o'clock, so I'll count it as 'Over Time'!

I can't commit as such, but I would like to keep up this 'work ethic' and structure I've enjoyed today, and allow the weblogging here be part of it.
I've had some extremely interesting, exciting, intense, and delightful things happen in my life lately. It would have been a great thing to have documented them more fully, as I have done so here, for today.

Thanks for reading!